The Rule Zone!

The Really Dumb

This is the section that got it all started. Here are some of the classic dumb signs.

• Get ready for take off! - (Spotted by Rick, you've got to love those dispensationalist)
• Global warming is coming. - (Spotted by Rick ... was this Paul Revere's church?)
• Can your life stand an eternal audit? - (I saw this on my way to work this morning. Note that this sign was posted on tax week ... I saw it on April 14.)
• Aspire to inspire before you expire. - (Another one from Jane. Try to say that one fast ten times. Jane wrote: That could mean a couple of things but personally what it says to me is....remember to breathe IN before you breathe OUT. Not sure if that is what the preacher thought or not. Maybe their idea of expire was like cheese or something.)
• You can trust a man who died for you. - (I saw this on my way home ... kind of cheesy.)
• Love is stronger than death. - (Sounds like a bad romance novel.)
• Tomorrow is not promised. - (Okay.)
• Sour Grapes make lousy wine. - (Another gem from Jane. She said it was from her "favorite church" ... every town has one of those. Jane also wrote: "Now really,  what is that supposed to mean on a spiritual level?  Or any level for that matter.   Kind of makes me scratch my head." I wish I had an answer.)
• Forbidden Fruit produces many jams! - (My buddy Ian sent this one in. We had a similar one in the top ten once. As Ian wrote "How corny".)
• Free to a good home, one savior, good with children, no neutering required. - (This was e-mailed to me a long time ago from a guy named Don B. in West Virginia. I've been too lazy to post it until now. Great stuff. You can read his e-mail to me in Smart People Write!. This sign is really amazing. It is legalistic "free to a good home" and it basically reduces Jesus to a house pet. I didn't initially put this in my top 10 but after looking at it again I have elevated it to the top 10 list.)
• Jesus -- "gotter done". - (Another one from Jane ... her daughter saw this one. That has to be the most red-neck church sign ever made.)
• The Easter Bunny didn't rise from the dead. - (This was e-mailed to me by a kind lady named Jane, who also said some nice things about my site. Thanks Jane!)
• A smile is a wrinkle that shouldn't be removed. - (Dumb, very dumb).
• Going to waste? Ask God to recycle you. - Michael saw this.
• Eternal Fire Insurance, Inquire Within. 
• Wanted, Serious Truth Seekers. (No one seeks truth without the call of God.)
• Service starts in your heart. (Isn't that sweet.)
• Today's To Do List ... Thank Jesus. (Even sweeter.)
• Give yourself to God and all other giving is fun. (Give me a break.)
• Don't Worry, Be Happy. (Wonder what they serve at communion?)
• Come Inside for a Faith Lift. (A variation on a classic.)
• Never Take A Vacation From God. (I saw this a while back.)
• To Break A Bad Habit, Drop It. (Double-meaning, very classy.)
• Are you tired of "Church" we are too (Jared saw this one ... sad, very sad.)
• The best declaration in the world is the Bible? (I saw this a while back)
• We love kids, let us prove it! (I saw this ... glad it wasn't a Roman Catholic church)
• Confession Without Repentance Is Just Boasting. (I saw this one a while back.)
• God is like Dial Soap. Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everyone did? (Ben saw this today. So God is reduced to soap and something that will make you smell good? At the same church Ben also saw that the parking lot had some reserved parking for the staff, the pastors and then one that said "Reserved for Pastor's Wife.")
• The Bible is old but the truths are always new. (I saw this one today ... I think the truths are old also, they are relevant, but unless they are heresies, they are old.)
• If you can't sleep, don't count sheep, talk to the Shepherd. (Thomas and I saw this one.)
• Stop over Sunday for an extreme makeover! (Thomas and I saw this one.)
• Jesus love you. I approve of this message - God. (Thomas and I saw this one on the other side of the marquee mentioned above. You know how much I hate people speaking in the voice of God!)
• You can't walk with God and hold hands with the devil. (Nate saw this one.)
• He will baptize you with fire, Sunday at 11 AM. (Nate saw this one.)
• Pray before you honk. (Michael saw this. He asks, "What exactly does this mean? Is it a moral lesson concerning road rage? Like don't honk at someone who makes you upset, rather pray for them?")
• The best position is on your knees. (Nate's friend Frank saw this. It is hard to believe a pastor would put this on a marquee. Perhaps he doesn't get it?)
   
• You can't have a testimony without a test. (I saw this one. Very Corny.)
• Get right or be left. (Michael saw this.)
• You can't decide the length of your life, only depth and the width. (Michael saw this.)
• Never throw dirt, you will only lose ground. (I spotted this one ... a witty moral lesson for us all ... you catch the witty pastor's double-meaning?)
• Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church! (Michael spotted this one.)
• Worry is the darkroom in which fears are developed. (I spotted this one ... it made me laugh.)
• Got Jesus? It does a spirit good!  (Michael and I saw this one. Very sad.)
• It doesn't look like the wages of sin will be coming down any time soon. (Michael spotted this one.)
• God Is My Soul Provider.
• Soul Food Served Here.
• Super Soul Sunday... Pick your Side. (Submitted by Natasha)
• Are You Interesting In Going To Heaven? Check Here For Flight Training (Great one from Ben in VA.)
• If your faith is running low, Come in for a fill up. (Another great on from Rev. Dr. Joel.)
• Write your plans in pencil. Give God the eraser (Submitted by Carol.)
• Body Piercing Saved My Life (Submitted by Jason a long time ago. Do you get it ... Jesus go body pierced for us ... I hope whoever thought that one up sees The Passion.)
• Sign Broken, Message Inside (Another from Ben in VA)
• Obey Your Mother, Come To Church This Sunday (Another from Jason)
• Mary And Joseph Were Pro-Life.
• God doesn't grade on the curve. He grades on the cross (Submitted by Rev. Dr. Joel -- Similar to Carol's and I saw a sign similar to this one a few weeks ago in my town ... it is a conspiracy to be stupid.)
• Final Answer ... Jesus, My Answer And My Lifeline (Michael and I saw this a while back.)
• "Make the devil mad, go to church" ((This is one of my favorites)
• It Is Nice To Be Important, But It Is Important To Be Nice.
• Mary And Joseph Were Pro-Life.
• Prayer Is Asking For Rain ... Faith Is Carrying An Umbrella. (wow that is dumb)
• We Treat Folks Like Angels Just In Case
• Crack The Bible ... Get High On Jesus
• If you want to know for sure that you are going to heaven come this Sunday. (Submitted by Robert ... that is quite a boast!)
• God grades on the cross, not the curve. (This was seen in Fort Wayne, IN. Thanks to Carol--who is also the first Christian to send me a really nice e-mail about my site... it is so nice to know there are Christians out there that think and have a sense of humor. She has told some of her friends about the site, so I think that is where the other contributions originate. Oh, one last thing, Carol used the term Slogan Theology in here e-mail. I thought that was pretty brilliant!)
• Without the bread of life you'll be toast. (Submitted by Emily--I think one of Carol's friends. All I can say is WOW)
• A kingdom with the King is just plain dom. (Another gem from Emily.)
• A humble man never blows his knows in public. (Another gem from Emily. I got a good chuckle from this one.)
• A Bible in the hand is worth two on the shelf. (Another gem from Emily.)
• No Jesus, No Life, Know Jesus, Know Life. (Submitted by Julie L., another friend of Carol's I suspect.)
• No worms in knee-mail (Another gem from Jean. This one made my top ten list.)
• Come to know Christ. Consider becoming Catholic. (Thanks to Jean in MI for sending me this one ... shouldn't be "come to know Mary" or something like that?)
• God Is! (Is what? Do they mean God exists? I guess it is more intriguing when we use incomplete sentences.)
• Be an organ donor, give your heart to Jesus. (Can you say corny?)
• Worry is faith in reverse (Actually, Htiaf is Faith in reverse.)
• The Lord's Path Is Not A Dead End (I saw this on my way to work this morning.)
• You never win, when you play with sin! (I can see the Christian version of McGruff saying that "Take a bite out of sin!)
• The world's greatest gift was wrapped in a manger (you don't wrap things in a manger--he was wrapped in swaddling cloths and lay in a manger)
• Come Sunday and beat the Christmas rush! (I have to give the pastor some points--this was kind of funny.)
• Tithe if you love Jesus, anyone can honk. (Do I need to comment?)
• "Jesus is the sole solution for soul pollution"  (Michael and I saw this--at least they spelled both words correctly.)
• Faith is not just a noun it is also a verb.  (Thanks for the grammar lesson pastor.)
• Our salvation is secure because the Bible is sure.  (What about those that are not saved?  It could be worded "Your damnation is secure because the Bible is sure.")
• Sin is the problem, Jesus is the solution.  (Witty)
• Don't get yourself down, Moses was once a basket case. (Seen by Mike H.)
• Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place.  (Seen by Danielle in Winter Haven.)
• Do You Have Any Idea Where You Are Going?  (Not to that church.  I saw this.)
• There Are No Traffic Jams On The Straight And Narrow Way.  (From the same church that has brought us all the other witty traffic sayings--on Cleveland Heights where all the construction is going on.  I saw this.)
• Bumps in life are easier to handle when you know God.  (I saw this--it is from the church with the road construction in front--I wonder how many more they can milk out of the road construction.)
• Opportunities door is marked push.  (I saw this--the wonderful COG on S. FL. By the way, how often does Jesus tell us to push?)
• Don't count the days, make the days count!  (I saw this.)
• Does God grant Mulligans on Sunday?  (I saw this--I think that is a golf term?)
• Celebrate Jesus, rain or shine. (I saw this.)
• Jesus paved the road to heaven with his blood.  (I saw this.  It probably wouldn't even make my site because it isn't really funny, but it is from the same church that is doing all the other road things because there is road work going on in front of the church.  They have brought us such beauties as "The road to heaven never needs work" etc.)
• Exercise daily ... walk with the Lord.  (I saw this one.)
• Feed your faith and your doubts will starve.  (Michael and I saw this one.)
• Almost saved is to be totally lost.  (Michael and I saw this one.)
• TGIF.  Thank God I'm Forgiven  (Michael and I saw this one.  In case you don't know, TGIF usually stands for Thank God Its Friday.)
• Heavenly Math: Three Nails, One Cross, Forgiveness.  (Seen by  Michael.)
• The Wages of Sin Are Death.  Repent Before Payday!  (I saw this on my way home from work and it was also reported over the Internet by my good friend Kyle Katarn.)
• A Laugh A Day Is Good For Your Soul.  (Seen by the founder of this page himself, the one and only Michael.)
• Childhood development. Entry in rear.  (Was this sign just not well thought out, or is there something Freudian going on--Ben and I saw this one. There is something disturbingly contemporary about this sign.)
• In Heaven There Are Streets Of Gold.  (From the same church that brought us "The Road To Heaven Never Needs Work" and currently there is a sign that says "Thank You Road Workers".)
• If you don't remember to pray, you become easy prey.  (Ben saw this one.)
• Jesus is Heaven's Eternal Life Insurance. (Michael and I saw this on the way to the movies--this small church on the way to Brandon is quickly gaining fame!)
• Give to God what is right, not what is left! (Submitted by "rip the jacker"--I actually know who submitted it, but I think his pen name is clever.)
• IF is half of life. (Ben and I saw this the other day, and while it is technically accurate, I have no idea what it means.)
• Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. (I think my guardian angel tops off at about 120 MPH.  This sign is from our friendly church in the highlands)
• The Road To Heaven Never Needs Work. (This is at a Baptist church on a road where there is a lot of construction going on--I saw it and Michael also told me about it.)
• Under the same management for over 2000 years.
• Children make mothering important.
• If God is your co-pilot, move over. (Bunch of people told me about this, plus I saw it.)
• Being on your knees puts you in good standing. (From a church that always has something dumb to say--on South Florida)
• God is God.  I am not. (I saw this today at my favorite dumb church in the High Lands)
• You can't stumble when you are on your knees. (I saw this today)
• If you want to save face, keep the lower half shut. (Submitted by Michael)
• He who laughs, lasts. (Submitted by Michael)
• Tired of Truth Decay, Brush up on the Bible. (Submitted by Teresa)
• Jesus built a bridge for us with two boards and three nails. (I saw this in Bartow)
• Soular Service. Here comes the Son! (Submitted by Ben--seen in Lakeland)
• Salvation guaranteed or your sins cheerfully refunded (Submitted by Ben)
• Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! (Submitted by Ben)
• Love thy neighbor as thy self. Borrow back your tools (Submitted by Ben)
• Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily. (Submitted by Ben)
• People are like tea bags...you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. (Submitted by Ben)
• An ad for a church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten  Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: “For fast, fast relief, take two tablets.” (Submitted by Ben)
• Do you want your family to spend eternity with bin Laden? (Submitted by Beaner)
  My Commentary: I think it might have been better if the church was honest enough to just write "go to hell bin Laden."  After all, that is the point they are trying to make, right--yes, they are hiding it behind the noble thought of leading your family to Christ, but the basic message is "go to hell bin Laden." Tacky Tacky Tacky
• A mind is like a parachute ... It only operates properly when it is open.
  (apparently this is true for this church, for their minds must be full of air, like a parachute)
• Up Grade your salvation.  (see the picture, click here)
• Don't let worries kill you.  Let the Church help. (see the picture, click here)
• Ask about our Pray-As-You-Go Plan. (Submitted by Ben and Jed.)
• America's Counter Attack Pray and Prayer.  America's Counter Attack. (I saw this on my way home from work on Friday (the first one).  I guess enough people complained that it sounded dumb that they changed on side of the marquee to Prayer.  America's Counter Attack (the other side still has the first one.) The second try I guess you might call a noble gesture--and certainly we should be praying for our government and our military--but I think there will be more of a counter attack than prayer--I think there will be some bombs and bullets--and that's OK with me.)
• The forbidden fruit creates terrible jams. (I saw this on my way home ... it is from the same church as the "bread of life" below.  I think I should set up a special award for that church.)
• The bread of life never gets stale. (The church that I saw this on almost always has dumb sayings on it.  I probably should dedicate a page just to them.)
• Is your house prayer conditioned (One of the dumbest signs I've ever seen.)
• God doesn't run for office.
• Free trip to heaven ... details inside.
• Never substitute your views for the good news

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